Welcome to the next edition of the Blotter, where we take a look at some of the weirdest and dumbest crimes that have occurred lately around the world.

First up, we travel to Arizona. Alberto Saavedra Lopez worked for Bank of America, where he was then accused of stealing over $5,000.00 from the bank within 3 months. Of course, he quit his job and moved to Phoenix. Now unemployed, it’s understandable that Mr. Lopez had a change of heart. Perhaps wanting to atone for his sins, he then applied for a job as a dispatcher for the local police department – even though he was still a fugitive from the law. The police figured they would go ahead and schedule him for an interview. When he showed up for the interview, he was promptly arrested.

Over in Florida (how could it be a dumb criminals list without Florida?), a man tried to shoplift all the essentials: 15 quart-sized bottles of motor oil and 30 DVDs. He didn’t have a bag or anything, so he just shoved them down his pants. One of the local detectives happened to be outside the store looking in when he witnessed the 38-year-old man stuffing bottles of motor oil into his pants. “Then he waddles like a duck out of the store,” he reported. The man was charged with felony theft.

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time – in Maryland, two men tried to stage an armed robbery at a pub. Things would have gone off without a hitch, except the pub happened to be hosting a party for a police officer who was retiring. The bar was chock full of off-duty cops. Luckily, the would-be robbers ran off and were detained before anyone could get hurt…but I’m sure they weren’t planning on stepping straight into the lion’s den for their heist.

Back to Florida, where an undercover agent for the Florida Lottery was on a routine visit to a store in Fort Myers. He claimed to have a winning ticket worth $600 and went into the store to cash it in. In return, the clerk gave him a mere $5.00 after she scanned the ticket and found out what it was worth. She was charged with grand larceny theft. She lost the ticket and her job, it turns out.

Another story from the United Kingdom, where they’re much harsher on individuals who do not carry car insurance. One woman was stopped earlier this week. When asked for her license and registration, she handed out her fake Home Simpson license – complete with his photo, signature, and address. While no one seems to know why she had a Homer Simpson license, the officer did know that she did not have proper insurance, and it turns out, she did not have a proper license, either. She was arrested.

In Texas, police officers capitalized on some of the hysteria that came with the Ebola virus in recent years. In Granite Shoals, the police department posted a fake story about Ebola-tainted meth, urging anyone who had recently purchased meth or heroin in Texas to take it to the local police department so it can be screened for Ebola. One Woman, Chastity Hopson, was understandably concerned and sent in a sample for testing. And – yep – she was also arrested for possession of a controlled substance.

Tune in for next month’s edition of the blotter, where you’re sure to find some the wackiest and stupidest things to happen in the world of crime.